How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
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“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Customize Your Wedding.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.