3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?