I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
March 16
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.