#NeverForget
You Might Also Like
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Good Morning.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.