ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
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I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫