I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’