Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”