I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
You Might Also Like
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.