Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
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My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
#FunnyLife Insects
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*