{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
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someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
still the best tweet of the year by far
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.