me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
You Might Also Like
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me: