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Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”