Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
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REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good