“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
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we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.