Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
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*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.