Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
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Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.