I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
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[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond