I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
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*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Me too, bag. Me too….
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
good let them take over I have had enough
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE