Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
i wish i could marry a nap
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
a fate I wish upon no one
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.