I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
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To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
new career option?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
me after drinking all the wine:
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets