[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back