Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
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*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??