You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
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Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The big book of baby names but for safe words
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget