a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
You Might Also Like
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
drew a comic about my origin story
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?