Venn
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
ibopfufen
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work