When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
A friend sent me this.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.