Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
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If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My love language is deader than Latin
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I love it all
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean