Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.