The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Baller is short for ballerina
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
This makes total sense…
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.