All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
You Might Also Like
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
sigh
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Oops