My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
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[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Me trying to walk in a dream