*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
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Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.