My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Saturday
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late