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Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Bill is short for Billiam
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.