Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
when u come home smelling like another dog
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”