Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.