me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
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My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
calling in to work dehydrated
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
@funTweeters I am at your service….