oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
You Might Also Like
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
uh oh
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Yes, but it was never about money
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I’m a bad influence on myself.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.