Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
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I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.