Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.