I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
We like the way Dwight thinks
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.