Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
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21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
So true for me
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Sponch
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
This is a sub tweet
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!