Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
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The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Is….Is this an option?