My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
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Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
sleeping beauty
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.