[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.