My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer