INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”