Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
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Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“you changed” bro i was 15
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?