Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?