I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
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Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
President The Rock Obama
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all